


Whole Lies and Half Smiles

by Alpacrate



Series: Obsessions [2]
Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII Series
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Codependency, Emotional Slowburn, F/F, Fuckbuddies with slowly growing attachment issues, Porn With Plot, Romance, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:06:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26330848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alpacrate/pseuds/Alpacrate
Summary: After cheating on her husband once, Serah should have known that there was no going back. For Vanille, it was already too late. As the two women continue their affair, it quickly starts to become more than just meaningless sex. They're forced to decide between what they want and what's right, but restraint was never either of their strong suits.
Relationships: Serah Farron/Oerba Dia Vanille
Series: Obsessions [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913287
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Cheerleader" by St. Vincent
> 
> Followup to Hide it With a Smile, go read that first if you haven't already! I couldn't resist the urge to make these two's relationship get deeper and more fucked up, so I started this. Expect lots of messy codependency to come.

Serah’s hand trembled as she stood at the front door of Fang and Vanille’s cute little house. It was nice, nicer than Snow’s apartment at least. Small and quaint with plenty of space out back for a garden. They’d already started one by the time they all found each other. 

She stood frozen, mind racing to find an excuse to stand there just a little longer. Had they painted the shingles since she was here last? And that little stone path leading around the side of the house looked new. She hadn’t spoken to Vanille in two weeks. Oh, those flowers in the shade under the willow tree were so cute! She’d have to ask what kind they were. 

Faintly, Serah heard the TV switch on inside the house and nearly jumped out of her skin. Someone was home then. There was no guarantee it was Vanille, but she felt herself deflate anyway. Part of her, a stupid part, had hoped that the house would be empty, and she could just go back home, comforted in the knowledge that she’d at least _tried_. The thought made her clench her teeth, frustrated with herself for being so childish, and in the quick rush of anger and adrenaline, she finally rapped her knuckles against the door. 

Serah flinched back from the door as soon as she pulled her hand away, as if she’d been expecting it to explode out at her as soon as she finally got up the nerve to touch it, but nothing happened. Of course it didn’t, it would take whoever was in there a couple of seconds at least to get up and get to the door. She noticed her hand trembling and lowered it to fiddle with the lacy bottom of her skirt. 

A moment later, she heard the latch click and realized the sound of the TV had stopped. Her breath caught and she shoved down the sudden urge to run away, standing her ground as a pair of red pigtails poked around the half-open door. 

“Serah!” Vanille sounded surprised. Serah thought she heard a hint of nerves in her voice, but she was probably just projecting. 

“Hi Vanille,” she responded, attempting what was definitely a pathetic smile. “I’m back from my honeymoon.” Vanille was wearing a crop top, and Serah couldn’t help the way her eyes trailed down to the strip of stomach it showed off. Quickly, she wrenched her gaze back up, stretching her smile even bigger and faker. 

Vanille didn’t seem to notice, too busy trying to twist her grimace into a matching grin. The conversation had died, and they’d only exchanged two sentences. But… Vanille wasn’t the one who knocked on her door. This was Serah’s responsibility, and she knew it, she was just being a big baby and trying to avoid saying the actual thing she’d come here for. She took a shallow breath to steady herself, then spoke. 

“I’m here to talk about what happened, and apologize. I think you deserve more of an explanation for… all of that, but,” Serah glanced around at the empty street, then back to Vanille with an uncomfortable quirk to her lips. “Could we maybe go inside to talk about it?” 

Vanille looked shaken, an uncertainty that Serah hadn’t expected slipping onto her face. She seemed to consider what Serah said, her gaze falling to the ground as she chewed on the inside of her lip. Serah felt her heart pick back up, whatever little burst of confidence she’d summoned to say all of that shrinking back to nothing. She’d never even considered that Vanille might just turn her away, and the thought scared her. She couldn’t keep losing people. 

“Alright.” The word shook Serah from her thoughts. Weakness flashed across her face for a moment as she looked back at Vanille, who was smiling softly at her. It was the same smile she’d worn right as she left Serah in the bathroom two weeks ago, and Serah had to struggle to pull herself together long enough to smile back and walk into the house. 

“Fang’s out right now,” Vanille continued as she shut the door behind them and skipped past her towards the kitchen. “Do you want some tea? I’ve already got the water heating.” Her voice was light again, no hint of whatever she’d been struggling with a minute ago. Serah knew it was all fake, but took a bit of comfort in it anyway. If Vanille was already playing a role, it was easier for her to pick one up too. 

“Sure! Do you have any sugar for it?” Her own cute, cheery tone made her want to barf, but she smiled through it anyway. Vanille nodded and walked over to some cabinets above the counter, pulling down a little ceramic container with a small spoon and a bit of sugar inside. Serah took the dish from her and fiddled with it as Vanille walked back to the stove and went about preparing the tea. After handing Serah her cup, Vanille turned back and bustled around the kitchen, straightening things on the counter and sorting through the fridge as she slowly prepared her own tea. Serah couldn’t look away, transfixed by how fluidly Vanille moved. How had she never noticed before?

There was a pause as Vanille shut the fridge door and looked back at her, the interaction teetering between normality and honesty. Serah had an out. If she wanted to, they could stand here and drink their tea and talk about nothing, then Serah could leave and they would never mention any of this again. 

But she didn’t want that, no matter how easy it would be. She needed something from Vanille, and she wanted to believe it was only forgiveness. Maybe that would be enough to get rid of all the _thoughts._

“Do you wanna go sit in the living room?” Serah asked. “Then we can talk.” The words came out steady, but panic was starting to claw at her chest again. There was no more getting away from it. She had to do this. Vanille nodded at her, her smile weaker than usual, and led the way into her living room. 

As Serah’s feet touched carpet, her pace stuttered, then stopped. Vanille continued, either not noticing her hesitation or ignoring it, and sat down on the couch. She immediately pulled a soft looking pillow into her lap, threading her fingers through its white fur. 

Serah licked her lips and took a sip of her tea. It was still hot, burning all the way down her throat, but somehow, it centered her. 

“I- I wanted to first say that I’m sorry,” she said shakily. It was hard to speak, but she had practiced this in her head so many times. She just had to get it out. “What I said to you, about how what happened to me back on Cocoon was your fault, that was so completely unfair and awful of me. It’s not your fault, and I’ve never believed that. I think... I think I was just trying to hurt you.” 

Vanille hadn’t turned back towards Serah as she spoke, eyes fixed on the dark television in front of her. She couldn’t see her face or read what she was thinking. Serah didn’t even know what she would want to see. She just wanted Vanille to take her back, whatever that meant. 

With a steadying breath, Serah summoned up just enough courage to walk forwards and stand in front of the small coffee table in the center of the room. Vanille’s eyes were dark, and she wouldn’t meet Serah’s gaze, even now that she was right in front of her. Her expression was blank, but it was better than not being able to see her at all. 

“I also wanted to say that I haven’t told Snow, and…” Her breath was coming a little faster. “And I really hope you don’t decide to. I-I know it would be your right, if you want to, but please!” Serah was getting more frantic, a hundred scenes of Lightning’s- Snow’s horrified face, looking at her with disgust for what she’d done. Everyone would think she’s the worst type of person, and worst of all, they’d be _right_. 

A soft hand touched her knee, and Serah snapped her eyes back up to Vanille. She hadn’t even realized she’d been staring at her feet. 

“Serah, you’re going to break the teacup if you keep clutching it like that.” Vanille’s voice was gentle but distant, as if she really was more concerned for her cup than Serah. 

“I’m not going to tell Snow,” Vanille continued after a moment. She sounded hesitant, but when she finally looked up and met Serah’s gaze, there was sympathy in her face. “It would ruin my life too, y’know!” Just for a moment, the normal, overly peppy tone was back, and Vanille flashed her a grin so wide it almost looked real. 

“Thank you,” Serah responded quietly. “Thank you.” Then she paused, looking back at Vanille for some response to the other thing she’d said, her apology. Vanille returned her gaze, blinked, then sighed. 

“Fang knows.” 

“ _What?_ ” Serah demanded, all other worries immediately forgotten. She didn’t even know Fang that well, she had no idea if the woman would go to her sister or Snow or, fuck, anyone else who had no involvement in this. Her breathing was getting erratic again, and she looked at Vanille desperately. “Why the _hell_ did you tell her?”

Any pity that had been in Vanille’s eyes before was gone, she was looking at Serah as if she was a child having a temper tantrum. And what the hell? She had come to apologize, and when she got freaked out over something perfectly reasonable, Vanille had the nerve to look at her like that? 

“We don’t keep secrets from each other, not anymore,” Vanille said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Serah glowered at her, setting her cup down on the coffee table a little harder than was necessary. 

“This is none of her business! I fucked up, okay, I admitted that! She doesn’t need to know about it, she shouldn’t even care!” But her breath was coming too shallow, and as much as Serah wanted to continue her tirade, she had to stop to gasp for air. She noticed her arms were shaking, and wrapped them defiantly around herself. 

“Serah…” Vanille sighed again, as if this was all so damn _exhausting_ for her. Serah snarled at her, and Vanille leveled her gaze. “Serah. You left a hickey on my neck. She saw it as soon as I came out of the bathroom, then you were out a couple seconds later.” 

Serah felt like she’d been punched in the gut, all of the righteous anger flowing out through her feet and leaving her with nothing but the slow, gnawing panic. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, oh.” 

“I’m sorry, I-” But Serah didn’t know what to say. She _was_ sorry, but thinking about this made her feel like a total idiot. She remembered sucking on Vanille’s neck, and she remembered feeling like she’d won something when she saw the bruise forming there. She even remembered Vanille wearing Fang’s tie around her neck when they cut the cake, but she’d been too focused on keeping up an act in front of Snow to put anything together. 

“Fuck,” she groaned, raising her hands to her head. “Please, will… will Fang say anything?” Vanille shrugged, her brows drawing together slightly. 

“I don’t know. She hasn’t told anyone yet, but she might. I don’t think she’d tell Snow, at least. I think she would consider that making things too easy for you.”

“I’m such an idiot.” 

“Yeah, a little bit. For sure for doin’ that. But…” She trailed off and took a sip of her tea. Her fingers slowly started to work harder against the fabric of the pillow, and Serah found herself staring at their little ballet. “What you said, and what you just apologized for, that’s not really the point of what happened, is it?” A bit of vulnerability had slipped onto Vanille’s face, but Serah had no idea what she was talking about. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You cheated on your husband, Serah. That’s a lot more of a betrayal than snapping at a friend.” 

Serah winced at the words, another image of Snow’s face after she’d emerged from the bathroom flashing through her mind. He had looked so happy to see her, made some dumb joke about the seafood being killer, then wrapped her up in the sort of hug that used to make her feel like nothing else in the world existed. 

“I know,” Serah chewed on her lip, hesitating. “But that’s between me and Snow, alright?” 

“It’s not though, is it?” Vanille asked, her eyes on the pillow in her lap again. “You did it with me, and I went along with it. It was as much my decision as yours.” 

“It wasn’t!” Serah said, desperation to prove Vanille wrong coming in equal parts from concern for the other girl and wanting to avoid the topic. “I’m the one with the commitment, I’m the one that betrayed Snow. You don’t have any responsibility to him!” But Vanille just shook her head. 

“He saved my life more times than I can count, and then I just go and fuck his wife? It’s my business too, you can’t get me out of this. He was my friend, Serah, and I did something real awful to him.” 

Serah twisted the end of her ponytail around a finger, fussing with it anxiously as she tried to process what Vanille was saying. Alright, fine, it was her business, but what did that even mean? 

“What do you want?” Serah finally asked. “You say you’re a part of this, so what do you want out of it?”

“All I want is for you to be honest!” Vanille giggled, back to all sunshine and cheeriness. Her rapid mood changes were starting to give Serah whiplash, and she tried to shove down a shard of irritation. 

“What exactly do you think I’m lying about?” 

“Welllll,” Vanille drawled. “For starters, why did you come here?” Serah stared at her, the question barely processing. 

“Seriously? I’ve already said that like twice! I came here to apologize because I fucked up.” 

“Mmmm, nuhuh.” Vanille shook her head, pigtails swinging back and forth in a way that made her look ridiculous. “You came here to apologize because you said something mean to me, but you keep trying to dodge around it when I bring up that we had sex. But see, I know you pretty well by now, and I don’t think you’d come here just to say sorry for hurting my feelings. I think you’d leave me a note, or text me, really anything so you could avoid the confrontation!” Vanille giggled, as if she hadn’t just cut Serah open as expertly as a surgeon. She was sweating, feeling far too hot in the chill of the AC. 

“So, tell me Serah.” Vanille had her head tilted to the side, finger against her cheek in an exaggerated thinking motion. “Are you sorry that you had sex with me?”

“ _No_.” The word dropped from her lips before she could stop it, pulling all the breath out of her lungs with it. Immediately, she slapped a hand over her mouth and her eyes started to well up, horrified with herself. Vanille’s coaxing smile seemed to eat up her entire vision, and she felt like she’d been wrenched from her body, watching herself from a foot behind.

“That’s alright, ‘s not like I’m mad or anything.” Vanille was making fun of her, but she didn’t care. She barely even heard it. “So what, did you get all attached to me, or was I just that good of a lay? I mean really, I barely touched you! I’ll have to have some words with Snow if your standards are that low.” 

“Stop it. Stop it- I can’t.” Serah pressed her hands against her forehead, fingers combing back through her hair: gripping, pulling. 

“You can hide it from everyone else, but there’s really no point keeping it from me.” Vanille’s hand ghosted against Serah’s leg as she spoke, urging her to voice all the awful thoughts twisting through her mind, up her throat, around her tongue. 

“No…” It was weak, even to her own ears. 

“Serah.” Vanille’s voice grew sharp, and Serah’s gaze snapped up, surprised. “Stop acting like a child and tell me what you’re thinking. Now.” And as fucked up as it was maybe being talked down to, like she was just a nuisance, was what Serah needed. She felt her mouth open, unbidden, and she started to speak. 

“Fine! Fine! I’ll just say it! The entire honeymoon, every time he pushed me down, fucked me, every single time I started thinking of your face. I used to love kissing him, but for the last week I hated it, all his rough stubble, the way his mouth is too big for mine, so he ends up slobbering everywhere. I hate it and it’s _your fault_!” Her voice climbed and climbed as she spoke, ending in a high-pitched shriek. She felt the burn in her eyes, but the rest of her body felt distant, numb and cold as crystal. “And after- and after-”

“Serah.” As Vanille took her hand, Serah realized that it was trembling. She let the other girl pull her closer to the couch until they were only about a foot apart. “C’mon, tell me. I know you’ve gotta get it out.” Serah’s breath was ragged, but at Vanille’s command, more words started to bubble up. 

“After he had finished, and I pretended to get off...” Serah’s voice was quiet, but at the way Vanille’s hand tightened around her own, she started to grow surer of herself. Vanille wanted this. She wanted to hear. Right now, Serah was so numb that the thoughts didn’t even carry any shame. This was what she needed. _Vanille_ wanted this. So the words came, flowing far too easily.

“I would bite the pillow and touch myself to the way you sounded when you came. I wanted to see you in that dress again, just so I could rip it off you. Just so I can fill the fantasy in properly.” She took another step towards the couch, eyes fixed on Vanille’s, but oblivious to the surprised blush on her face. A hand reached out, running slowly along the edge of Vanille’s jaw. 

“I barely got to touch your tits. I wanted- I want to play with them until you’re begging for me.” Her breath was getting ragged, panicked heat pooling together, coiling between her legs as she watched Vanille’s tongue darted out to wet her lips. 

“Serah.” Vanille’s voice was calm, and she reached up to place her hand over where Serah’s lingered against her cheek. “Did you come here to fuck me again?” The combination of the words and the touch was enough to drag Serah back into herself, and she jolted back, realizing what she was doing. Her chest constricted and she found herself struggling for breath, but Vanille’s grip tightened on her hand, digging her nails in. Serah looked back at her, eyes wide, and whispered her answer. 

“Yeah, I think I did.” 

Vanille kissed her. Serah felt hands on her, pulling her into the other girl’s lap as lips pressed against her own. Her mouth was soft, so much softer than Snow’s, and that was all it took for Serah to give in. 

Vanille had been right. This was what Serah wanted all along. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it since the wedding. No matter how much she told herself she just wanted to apologize, she’d only knocked on Vanille’s door for one reason.

“Fuck!” She jerked back. Vanille had bit her lip, hard, apparently catching Serah’s mind wandering. 

“Pay attention, Serah,” Vanille scolded, bringing up a finger to shake in her face. “If you keep getting lost in your head like that, you’re going to give yourself a panic attack again, so just…” Vanille pulled her back in, kissing her deeply, then broke away. “Just pay attention to me.” 

It was a very convincing argument, especially since the hand that wasn’t cupping her cheek had started playing with the bottom of Serah’s skirt. It was the same one she’d been wearing when she first met Vanille, her favorite outfit from years ago. She hadn’t even noticed when she put it on, but Vanille seemed to. 

“This is really cute, kinda got the innocent schoolgirl thing, yeah?” Vanille hummed and let her hand slip down to the top of Serah’s stockings. “Dressing like this oughta make getting people to pity you when you start crying a lot easier, maybe I should try it sometime.” Serah’s hands tightened on the other girl’s shoulders at the words.

“Shut up,” her voice was breathless, and she could barely summon any anger at the remark. She couldn’t fucking _think_ with Vanille’s hand on her thigh like that. It felt like the world had shrunk around them, and the only things left were Vanille’s touch, Vanille’s eyes, Vanille’s voice. An honest part of her knew that the feeling had started as soon as they’d kissed at the wedding. 

“Aww, don’t wanna talk anymore?” Vanille was teasing her. Drawing her hand slowly up and down Serah’s inner thigh, pulling away whenever Serah’s hips jerked forward. This was different than last time. Before, Vanille had let her win, let Serah shove her against a wall and take her. She played with the thought of doing it again, pinning Vanille back and ripping off her clothes. But she couldn’t, not really. It was as if Vanille had grabbed her by an invisible leash, and she couldn’t do anything but whine and wait for the other girl to pull her along. 

“You said you were imagining this your whole honeymoon?” Vanille asked. Serah blushed and tried to turn her head away, but Vanille’s hand held it in place. “I liked that, when you talked about how bad you want me. So c’mon, tell me more of what you were thinking about with your hand shoved down your panties.” 

Fuck, those words went straight to Serah’s core, the heat between her legs becoming harder and harder to ignore. Vanille’s hand was still too far away, trailing teasingly down the seam of her stockings. She was waiting for Serah to get herself together enough to speak, and something in her didn’t want to disappoint Vanille. 

“I kept- I kept thinking about what would have happened if you hadn’t let me push your hand away. If you had shoved me back against the stalls and fucked me. God I-” Vanille’s hand had slunk up, a reward, and Serah was losing concentration. But as she stopped talking, it retreated again, too far to give her anything real, but close enough to keep stoking the fire in her stomach. 

“Go on, I know you’ve got more.” Vanille giggled. Serah knew it was fake, she saw the emptiness in Vanille’s eyes, but her breath was coming too fast to say anything. “Don’t be all embarrassed, Serah! I know how much you wanna prove you want me. You were doing so good just a minute ago.” 

“ _Fuck_ , fine!” She wanted that expression on Vanille’s face again. The turned on, vulnerable one, it made her feel powerful. “You were so- You felt so-” She was struggling, the memory of Vanille against her fingers combined with how turned on she was now, she couldn’t concentrate! “Why the hell are you dragging this out!” she spat. “We both know you want to fuck me, just do it! Then I can tell you how fucking hot you are. _Please._ ” Her voice trailed off, and she sat harder on Vanille’s lap, just to grind against her legs. 

“You’re so cute!” Vanille laughed. “Wow, you had me fooled before, all aggressive and angry, but ya’ just want someone up your skirt, huh?” Serah blushed, turning away. She wasn’t a _slut_. 

“It’s not like I’m sleeping around! I just want-” Fuck, she could feel the tips of Vanille’s fingers teasing at her panties. She whined, and Vanille pulled away again. Did she really have to say it? That was so unfair! But Vanille’s hands were folded in her lap, she hadn’t even bothered to keep a hold on her cheek. That wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair to force her like this!

“I want you, please.” Still, the words came out far easier than Serah would’ve liked. Vanille beamed at her, drawing her hand up to _finally_ touch her properly, even if only through the fabric of her underwear. It was just like- just like how Serah had teased her at the wedding. Was that what this was, some sort of twisted revenge? That was so fucked up! And- and…

Vanille had one finger tracing up and down her center, and Serah’s mind fogged whenever it got close to her clit. Vanille was looking up at her, waiting for something. 

“More, _please_ ,” Serah begged. She’d wanted so badly to feel powerful, but there was something intoxicating about giving that power away, too. Vanille gave her an approving look and Serah’s heart jumped, but then the pressure of the finger against her was gone. “What the hell?” she hissed. Vanille didn’t bother to even acknowledge the complaint. 

“Lay down. On your back. I’m gonna do it proper this time, alright? No more excuses that it doesn’t count!” Vanille sounded teasing, but Serah knew she wasn’t. This was revenge, again, but at least it was the kind of revenge that got her off. Still, following orders was easier than thinking, so she complied, shifting to the side as she moved to lay down. 

Apparently, Vanille didn’t have the patience for that. Serah squeaked as the other girl rose to meet her and kissed her, taking control of the motion to shove Serah onto her back. Vanille was on top of her, kissing with less teeth than before, and it was so easy for Serah to let herself fall into her.

A leg pushed up between her thighs, and Serah rutted against it eagerly. Vanille had been toying with her for so long, it didn’t matter if it was embarrassing, she would take anything she could get. But again, _again_ , Vanille pulled back, leaving Serah to grab at her and stare pathetically up at her lips. 

“I really thought you might not come,” Vanille said, voice a little raw. 

“What?” Serah murmured back. 

“Thought maybe you’d be better than this, or at least smart enough to pretend you are.” Vanille was smiling, always fucking smiling, but she seemed honest for a moment, almost too fast for her to catch it, before her expression turned teasing and she was back to playing with Serah. “Guess you’re just too into me though, huh!” With that, she pressed her thigh up against Serah’s panties again, and it became a lot harder to think. 

“Before, I let you take what you needed, but I don’t think I gotta take pity on you anymore. I gave you a lot of chances to run away, but you didn’t, so now I’m gonna make you face it!” she giggled. Serah groaned, trying to focus on the words while Vanille was grinding her leg against her. “So! Now I’m gonna give you what you need, but you’re gonna have to play along to get it, okay?”

“Oh- okay,” Serah stuttered, earning her another kiss before Vanille slid away. 

Serah opened her mouth to complain about the loss, as some last grasp at dignity, but then Vanille settled between her legs and all she managed was an embarrassing squeak. Serah felt hands pushing her thighs apart as Vanille nuzzled under her skirt, breath hot against the damp spot on her underwear.

“Now! Here’s the rules.” Every word Vanille spoke sent a little shiver up Serah’s body. “You’re gonna tell me exactly what you want, or else I’m not gonna give it to you. So no more pretending!” 

“I want your mouth!” The words tumbled out of Serah before she could stop them, her voice laced with desperation. Her eyes were screwed shut, but from the little huff of breath and following giggle she felt between her legs, Vanille seemed pleasantly surprised. 

Then Vanille’s tongue pressed against her through her panties, and Serah could only manage to hiss “ _Goddess,_ ” as her head dropped back against the armrest. 

“You taste good!” Vanille commented idly, as if she was talking about the weather. Serah felt her hook a finger in her underwear and start to pull them down. She automatically lifted her hips to help, and Vanille shot her a slightly smug look that only made Serah’s blush worse. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten you so worked up,” Vanille said. “Kinda wish I could’ve seen how wet you already were when you knocked on my door.” But she must not have been too concerned about it, because before Serah had a chance to think up any sort of rebuke, Vanille’s mouth was on her again. Serah swore, grabbing instinctually at the other girl’s hair. 

“More… please more,” Serah gasped, but Vanille only stopped, pulling her face away to speak. 

“More of what? I told you, you’ve gotta tell me exactly what you want.” 

“Just fuck me!” Serah whined. “I want your fingers inside me and your mouth on my clit! I want you to fuck me until I can’t think, _please_.” 

“Wow,” Vanille grinned up at her. “You’re better at that than I thought you’d be! Suppose you deserve this now.” 

Serah pressed her free hand to her mouth to try to contain the embarrassing, high pitched noise she made as Vanille dipped her head back down. She took a moment to explore with her tongue, alternating little bites as she licked, before Serah felt a finger at her entrance. She bit the back of her hand, trying not to jerk her hips too obviously, but then Vanille’s mouth was against her clit and the last of her self control dissolved into nothing. 

Serah ground against Vanille’s face as the other woman started to fuck her, quickly adding a second finger to join the first inside her. She wasn’t gentle or soft, but she was exactly what Serah wanted. She moaned as Vanille took her, the hand that had been covering her mouth finding a better use for itself clutching at the throw pillow behind her head. 

Vanille’s fingers sped up, jolting Serah’s body back into the couch with each thrust. It felt so fucking good, so different from how gentle Snow was with her. Vanille’s teeth were on her clit again, and her mind was so blissfully blank as she ground forward against the other girl’s face, taking all the roughness she could get. She could tell she was already getting close. Maybe Vanille was right. Maybe she was already desperate for it the moment she’d stepped onto the front porch. 

“More!” Serah begged, the word coming out breathy and desperate. Vanille slowed for a moment, before slamming her fingers back in, with a third this time, hard enough that Serah snapped her eyes open and shouted Vanille’s name. 

She grabbed desperately at the other girl’s head, rocking her hips to meet her pace as she was fucked into the couch. She could feel her orgasm curling in her chest, growing faster than she could manage it. She didn’t want to, she wanted to cum hard enough that the rest of the world didn’t exist. 

All it took was hearing Vanille whisper Serah’s name against her clit, and she was thrown over the edge. No coherent words came out of her as she came, but there was a hell of a lot of pleading and swearing. It just- fuck- it just kept going, and she didn’t realize she’d been forcing Vanille’s head to stay between her legs until she felt the second orgasm coming. Oh Etro, was she still eating her out? 

But then she was blissed out as she came again, shuddering and oversensitive. This time she had enough good sense to shove Vanille away as soon as she could feel her hands. 

It was another minute before Serah could speak, and she spent it staring at the wall, slowly coming down from the afterglow. Vanille moved on the other side of the couch, shifting away to do something. Serah didn’t look up, because she knew if she saw Vanille’s face then the haze would be swept away, and she’d be reminded of what, exactly, she’d just done. 

Unfortunately, it seemed just the thought had the same effect. She blinked, hard, and started to steady her breathing. Some of her hair had come undone from her ponytail, goddess knows how, and she swept it behind her ear. Only then could she summon the courage to sit up and look over at Vanille. 

Vanille wasn’t looking back. She was licking the cum off her fingers -a sight which sent another low pang of heat through Serah’s body- but her eyes were empty, and she wasn’t even bothering to wear the fake smile she had before. A moment later, she seemed to notice Serah had sat up, and the mask was back on. 

“Hope that was worth the trip! I know it’s a bit of a drive to get here from Snow’s place.” Serah winced at the words. Oh right, _Snow_. She was going to have to go home and pretend everything was fine again and-

“Let me-”

“Nuhuh!” Vanille cut her off, shaking a finger at her. “No need to worry about me! _You_ , little missy, need to go before Fang gets back. Plus, don’t you think Snow is missing you by now? You are newlyweds, after all!” Vanille’s grin was sharp enough to cut, and her last few words drove the blade into Serah’s chest. 

Clearly, she wasn’t wanted here. Vanille didn’t want to sit through Serah’s vulnerability any more than she did. 

“Yeah, alright.” Slowly, legs still a little shaky, Serah got up. She took her panties from where Vanille had discarded them on the floor and, a bit reluctantly, pulled them back on. The arousal left on them was cold and uncomfortable against her already sensitive core. She’d have to feel that all the way home. The thought made her stomach sink, because really, she deserved a lot worse than that. 

Especially since she didn’t regret it. 

“Um, Vanille?” Serah started. She didn’t know what to say, but she couldn’t just leave with that, she _couldn’t_. 

“Yeah?” Vanille’s tone was flat. Neutral. 

“I want to see you again, is that okay?” God, she sounded like she was asking someone out after a first date. It felt silly, given what they’d just done, but she meant it. 

Vanille didn’t answer for a couple of seconds, and Serah risked a glance back at her to see the other girl’s hands on the same pillow she’d been fiddling with before. 

“You know how this ends, right?” Vanille said quietly, and Serah caught a hint of emotion in her eyes, before she shifted her gaze down towards their feet. 

“Yeah.” Serah flexed her fingers, straightening her skirt again. “I think I want to do it anyway.” 

“Alright.” Vanille licked her lips, then looked back up at Serah, a little flash of humor in her face. “One more rule! You’re not allowed to fall in love with me, okay?” 

It took Serah by surprise, and she let out a little snort before she could stop herself. That sounded like a line straight out of some overproduced drama series! Vanille was probably watching too much TV, because somehow, Serah didn’t think that was going to become an issue. 

“Deal.” Serah managed a smile, then an awkward, “And, um, you’re probably right that I should be gone before Fang gets back, so, ah… Goodbye, I suppose. For now.” 

“Goodbye, Serah,” Vanille returned, robbing Serah of any other excuse to dawdle. 

With another strained smile, she turned and headed to the front door. Maybe she was just a truly awful person, but even with the guilt sitting heavy in the back of her mind, and the uncomfortable reminder of what she’d just done damp between her legs, Serah felt a bloom of happiness in her chest. The kind she thought she’d lost when she watched Lightning get ripped away from her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Vanille's POV. In the future, chapters will switch back and forth between them, with Serah getting the odds and Vanille getting the evens. I've got a couple chapter buffer going on this fic, so even if update times are slow, don't worry that I've given up on it!

“Please tell me you’re fucking with me.” Fang was pacing around the living room, one hand in her hair and the other gesturing wildly. Vanille was on the couch fiddling with her favorite pillow, where Fang had been sitting with her until about two minutes ago. 

“I washed the cushions!” Vanille protested, pouting at her partner’s reaction.

“I damn sure hope you did! But you know that ain’t the point. I can’t believe you fucked her again!” 

Vanille chewed the inside of her lip. It wasn’t like she was surprised that Fang was reacting this way, since she hadn’t exactly thrown a party the first time it happened, but it still made everything _harder_. She was just trying to be honest! 

“Alright, alright.” Fang seemed to have calmed down enough to stop wearing a path in their rug, and now she stood facing Vanille, giving her that ‘you’re in trouble missy’ look. “How did it happen? ‘Cuz I refuse to believe I’m dating a girl whose stupid enough to go waltzing up to a married woman and just ask to bend her over. Prove me right here, Vanille.”

Vanille’s fingers sped up as they combed against the pillow. She had been really really hoping Fang wouldn’t ask about this, because every time she thought about the stuff she’d said to Serah she felt like going outside and burying her head in the ground next to the tomato plant. But telling Fang that would only make both of them more upset, so she put on her best mischievous grin. 

“You really want allllll the details?” she drawled. “I mean, it wasn’t exactly dinner and a movie. She’s a trooper for walking out of here without limping!” Fang’s low growl cut her off before she could say anything else. Vanille smirked at the dusting of red on her partner’s cheeks. Fang could be such a prude sometimes! Teasing her was a surefire way to pick her own mood right back up. 

“You know what I mean! ‘Don’t want to hear the filthy parts of what you did to her. So stop trying to change the damn subject and just tell me.” Fang was still blushing a little as she spoke. Cute. 

“Okay, okaaaay.” Vanille put a whole lot of airy confidence into her voice, but still hesitated to start. Fang must have noticed the uncertainty on her face, because her expression softened and she sighed. 

“Hey, y’know this isn’t some kind of trial, right? I’m not gonna call you a shitty person for all this, I’m sure you’re doing that plenty enough for the both of us. I just wanna understand what happened.” As she spoke, Fang took a few steps closer and rested a hand on Vanille’s shoulder. Vanille only managed a half smile back up at her, but she felt herself relaxing at the touch anyway. 

“Will you sit with me?” She asked, dropping the peppy tone so Fang knew she was serious. Fang shot the couch one last suspicious look, which was honestly ridiculous because she’d been sitting on it before just fine, and reluctantly plopped down next to her. Vanille gave her a smile and leaned against her, resting her head on Fang’s shoulder as she started her story. 

“Well, it happened yesterday, right after Serah got back from her honeymoon.” Fang made a judgmental grunt at that, but Vanille just rolled her eyes and ignored her. “She knocked on the door and said she wanted to apologize for… well, you know. Oh! This was while you were out with Lightning, I think, so it wasn’t like it happened while you were in the house.” 

“Thank the Goddess for that at least, that girl doesn’t seem like she’d be _quiet._ ” Vanille snorted at the comment and whapped Fang lightly on the shoulder. 

“Oh quit it! I mean, she isn’t, but that’s not your business! Hey, but how’s Lightning doing anyway?” she asked. Fang grimaced, running a hand back through her hair. 

“She’s gettin’ control of her emotions again. Slowly. She’s still having outbursts though. Tried to hit me for loading her damn dishwasher wrong.” Fang shook her head, and Vanille bit her lip. She hadn’t seen Lightning much since she’d woken up with all her emotions shoved back into her, but Fang had told her the stories. “Anyway,” Fang continued. “She sure misses her sister, that’s for fuckin’ sure. Those two are a damn mess, I think they’ve both been avoiding each other.” 

“I could try to talk to Serah?” Vanille offered tentatively. Fang waved a hand at her. 

“Nah, I think this is something they gotta sort out themselves. It’ll probably work out better if we don’t stick our noses into it. Anyway,” she turned to Vanille and raised an eyebrow. “C’mon, out with it. What happened after she showed up on our porch.” Dang! Vanille pouted a little, she’d almost managed to distract from the topic for a whole two minutes there.

“Well, I let her in and we talked for a while, and she, umm…” Vanille trailed off, not entirely sure how to explain the next part. She glanced up at Fang for support, but the other woman just stared blankly back at her, totally unhelpfully. With a little sigh, Vanille continued. 

“She kind of… dodged around talking about the cheating thing and pretty much apologized for everything _but_ having sex with me, so I asked her if she regretted it and she said no. Then she started saying all this stuff about how she kept thinking about me on her honeymoon, and, well, you can probably figure out the rest.” 

Fang was silent for a couple of seconds, making that screwed up face she did when she was thinking real hard about something. Then, she grunted and shook her head. 

“The hell! That sounds manipulative as fuck.” Vanille winced at the words. No, that wasn’t fair to Serah at all, she couldn’t make it sound so one sided. 

“It wasn’t like that! I mean, she was being a little shitty, and she’s for sure unstable as _hell_ , but I was the one encouraging her to say that stuff!” And that was the part that made Vanille’s tummy feel all heavy with guilt. “I wasn’t acting like a good friend either.” 

“Well yeah, you fucked a married woman, I ain’t exactly calling you a patron saint here.” 

“Hey!” Vanille sat up and crossed her arms, looking indignantly at Fang. “You said no judgment!” 

“Alright, yeah, fair, I’m sorry. But I should get at least one potshot at you for all this, right?” Fang had a particularly intolerable smirk on. Particularly intolerable cuz it made her pretty enough she was hard to stay mad at! Vanille rolled her eyes, the irritation quickly slipping away. After all, she _did_ deserve that, and probably a lot worse. 

“But, hey,” Fang’s expression got serious again. “I wanna know why you made her say that stuff. Why’d you go along with all this a second time? You sure as hell weren’t in a great mood after it happened once.” 

Vanille withered under those eyes. She let herself fall back against the couch and drew her knees up, resting her chin against them as she tried to think of a good answer for that. Fang wasn’t exaggerating, after the wedding, she’d been a total mess for days. It was a little embarrassing, and she was endlessly glad that Serah hadn’t been around to see her like that.

“I kinda think that was part of it,” Vanille finally said, leaving the statement to hang, unqualified. “It felt real good to hear that I wasn’t the only one who got all upset over it. Made me feel powerful again.” 

“Goddess, I don’t think I’ll ever get that.” Fang shook her head, and when Vanille glanced over she saw that the other woman was staring up at the ceiling. “After all that shit she said to you at the wedding, I would’ve just thrown her out on her ass. She’s damn lucky I wasn’t there.” Vanille’s hands found her pillow again as Fang spoke, trying to release a bit of the anxious energy that was building up in her chest. 

“I know I should’ve! I know I shouldn’t let this go on anymore, but I’m starting to think I’m just as fucked up as she is.” 

“Well _you_ ain’t cheating on anyone.” 

“That’s not what I mean!” Vanille gave her an indignant look, which Fang totally ignored like a jackass. “It’s like… I think I know why she’s doing this in the first place. She’s lonely, and she feels like everyone’s left her behind or something. She’s mad at all of them, but then feels guilty for being mad, so she wants to punish herself.” Vanille paused, tilting her head to look at Fang. “I mean I’m not sure, but it really feels like a kind of self-sabotage. Like, there’s no way she had sex with me in that bathroom and didn’t expect someone to see it.” 

“Alright, I see your point. But what does this have to do with you?” Fang had to know the answer to that question, but she asked it anyway. It was kind of cruel, but it wasn’t as if Vanille didn’t deserve it. 

“‘Cuz I kinda wanna burn up everything I have too. She’s not the only one who wants to punish herself,” she whispered. One of Fang’s arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her tight against her side. It was warm, suffocatingly so in the summer heat of their house, but she didn’t pull away. 

“Hey. I thought we got past this back in Luxerion.” 

“Y’know, I kinda thought so too!” Vanille giggled, ignoring the way her voice warbled around the knot in her throat. “But that wasn’t it, was it? You were right all along, and that dumb ritual wouldn’t have helped the souls, but I keep thinking: what if it really was the way to save them? Because I don’t think I would’ve made the same choice.” 

“Vanille…” Fang’s arm around her tightened, and Vanille buried her face in the other woman’s side. It was so stupid, thinking about something that was over and done with at this point. No one even remembered what they’d done to Cocoon, but here she was crying about it again like some kind of idiot. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes as Vanille put her big girl face back on. Her chest was still a little tight when she felt her phone buzz on the cushion between them and she finally pulled away. Wiping at her eyes, she didn’t look at Fang as she picked the device up and checked the notification. 

It was Serah, because of course it was. The other girl had been texting her pretty much non-stop since yesterday, though none of it was any sorta real conversation. It was all pictures of her cats or little comments about things that happened throughout the day. Never anything about Snow. Vanille had only been able to bring herself to respond to about half the messages, but Serah kept sending them anyway. 

“That her again?” Fang asked. 

“Yeah.” Vanille tilted her phone so Fang could see the picture of Serah’s lunch: a grilled sandwich and a glass of champagne. She typed out _‘looks yummy!!’_ and sent it off, and within a couple seconds, she got a string of heart emojis back from Serah.

“Hey,” Fang said. Vanille shut off her phone and looked over to her partner, who gave her a lopsided smile back. Still, after all these years, that look made her chest flutter, and Vanille couldn’t help but smile back. Fang used the arm she had around Vanille’s shoulder to pull her closer, which she was more than happy to cooperate with. Vanille scooted up so she was sat halfway in Fang’s lap, and the taller woman rested her chin on her shoulder. 

“You know I don’t like this,” Fang continued. “But it’s also not something I can stop you from doing. I hate that, and you know damn well I’m a controlling bitch, so it’s taking everything in me right now to stop myself from making you promise never to see her again. I just don’t want to see this fuck you up. So, and Etro knows I’m gonna regret this, but I want you to tell me when stuff happens with her, alright?” 

Vanille nodded gently, her chest warming. They’d promised to try to be better for each other, and here Fang was, really trying. To be honest, she wasn’t entirely thrilled at the idea of recounting everything she did with Serah to her partner either, but if Fang was making an effort, then she had to too. It took a couple seconds for her to respond, but when she did, she leaned away and turned back to grin at Fang. 

“Even the s-”  
“ _No_ not the damn sexy parts, you little vixen!” Vanille giggled and sank back against Fang’s chest, feeling it move with the other woman’s grumpy little huff. “I only want to hear about Serah Farron’s cunt if it’s emotionally impactful to you, and no goddamn excess details, alright?” 

The words only made Vanille laugh harder, and from the way Fang pressed her face against the top of her head, she knew that was what the other woman had wanted. 

“You’re such a charmer, Oerba Yun Fang! Why, I bet Lightning would get all pissy if she heard you talking about her little sister like that.” 

“Yeah, well, I don’t think she’d be thrilled to hear you’ve had your head between her little sister’s legs either.” 

“Fair enough!” With the chipper exclamation, Vanille hopped up onto her knees, turning back around so she could give Fang a kiss. She felt the other woman smile against her lips before she pulled back. Fang raised a hand to brush gently over her cheek, and Vanille leaned into it. 

“I love you, firecracker, and that’s forever, you hear me? No matter what else happens, we’ve got each other.” 

Vanille’s smile softened, and she rested a hand against Fang’s cheek to mirror her partner’s position. 

“We’ve got each other, promise!” Sometimes thinking about her past with Fang left a sour-sweet burn in the back of her throat, like those candies Dajh liked so much. It hurt to think of, but it was the good kind of hurt, the kind that made her remember why she had to keep on trucking, no matter what. 

“Alright. Good.” Fang flashed her another grin, before her face contorted into a grimace. “Fuck, okay, I gotta know one thing. Am I better at oral than her? But I only wanna know if I am, yeah? Matter of fact, just lie about it if I’m not.” Vanille rolled her eyes and slapped a hand over Fang’s mouth, because of _course_ she’d ask something like that. Still, she couldn’t help the smile that slipped onto her face. 

“I’ll be sure to let you know as soon as I find out, but if you ask anything else I’m gonna start telling you exactly what we did on this sofa, so shut it, missy!” 

“Hell, uncle, uncle!” Fang pushed her off her lap and hopped up off the couch as fast as she could manage. 

“You’re so immature!” Vanille teased her, dropping back against her pillow as Fang flipped her the bird and headed towards the kitchen. 

“Yeah yeah, so you’ve told me. Want some tea?” 

“Mhmm! And you’ve gotta blow a kiss into it to prove you’re really sorry. I’ll know if you don’t!” 

Fang didn’t respond to that with anything more than a chuckle before retreating to the kitchen, leaving Vanille alone again. She dropped back onto the couch and grabbed the TV remote, switching it on to some random channel. 

Her phone buzzed in her lap. It was probably Serah again, desperate for the kind of comfort Vanille could get from Fang. With a little twinge of guilt, she turned the device off and set it on the table. She knew it couldn’t last long, but right now it felt like her and Fang were the only people left in the world again, and she needed that. Even if only for a minute.


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey, welcome! Come in, come in!” Sazh beamed out at Serah and her husband where they stood on his front stoop. Serah giggled, and Snow’s arm tightened a little around her shoulders. 

“So, where’s the big birthday boy?” Snow asked, waving the pristinely wrapped (Serah’s work) toy motorcycle (Snow’s pick) around in the air. “Uncle Snow is here to save the party!”

“Alright, well, first off, don’t call yourself that. Kinda weird, man,” Sazh scolded, amused. “But, uh, Dajh and the other kids are out back. How about you two come on in first and get a drink.” Stepping to the side, Sazh swung an arm out behind him, welcoming them in. Serah flashed him an apologetic smile and grabbed the hand Snow had on her shoulder, pulling him into the house before he could embarrass himself any more.

“Oh!” Sazh called out after them. “And presents go on the kitchen table, can’t have any legos getting out of place.” Serah opened her mouth to respond, but before she could get a word out, Snow cut in again. 

“Right-O captain!” Sazh shook his head and laughed at the response, before turning to head back to his kid. Serah forced her jaw to unclench and tightened her grip on Snow’s hand, giving her husband a big smile. 

“Hey Snow, would you mind dropping off the present? I think I’m going to go get a drink and see who else is here, alright?” It almost felt like it had become natural, coaching her voice, pitching it perfectly so Snow could never tell when she was irritated. 

“No problem babe!” He flashed her a huge grin, and for a second, she softened. Serah let her fingers brush across the back of his hand as he turned and jogged off, leaving her on her own. And maybe that was for the best. A part of her had been dreading this party. So many people, all staring at her and Snow. Someone would figure it out, right? They had to. 

Crossing her arms, Serah walked into the living room. The house was mostly empty, but there were a few kids sitting on the couch, staring at a cartoon playing on the TV. Past them was the door out to the back yard, where she could see more activity. Serah walked over to a window, leaning back against the wall next to it where she was half hidden from the rest of the room by the curtains. It was a good place to collect herself. 

Snow would find her again soon, then they’d go outside and she’d only have to put on the newlyweds act for a couple hours. Maybe if she faked food poisoning, she could even get out of it sooner than that. She let a small sardonic smile slip onto her face at that thought. Wasn’t it ridiculous how her whole life was centered around this secret now? She hadn’t even thought about playing with the kids, no, that would be too _risky_. She was starting to get irritated with herself. How could anyone stand to be around her? 

As if as an answer to her question, a flash of red hair caught her attention. She looked up to see Vanille brushing through the back door into the house. She didn’t seem to notice Serah, hurrying off down the hall without a glance behind her. Serah didn’t stop to think before following her. Maybe she didn’t have to be miserable today after all. If she could just hide with Vanille the whole time, then maybe Snow would leave her alone and- 

Serah made it as far as the back door before someone grabbed her arm, jerking her to a halt. She whipped around, anger flickering across her face at Fang, who grinned back at her. Serah tried to rip her arm away, but the larger woman held tight. 

“Hey there little missy.” Fang’s voice was light, as if they’d just bumped into each other by chance. Serah glanced towards the couch, wary of letting the kids see too much, but it was empty. She hadn’t even noticed them leave, either too deep in her own thoughts or in chasing after Vanille. 

“What’s up, Fang?” Serah asked through clenched teeth. Fang knew. Fang knew what she’d done with Vanille, and she knew how easily she could destroy Serah’s life with a word. Even if the room was empty, there were other people in the house, and they were only a few feet from the door. Anyone could hear.

“Y’know, we’re at a birthday party for a seven-year-old.” Fang’s lip rose as she spoke, showing her teeth. “I’m just thinking maybe you should keep your hands to yourself for today, eh? Focus on the kid.” Serah stared up at her for a moment, struck dumb by the _audacity_ of this woman to butt into her life like that. With a scoff, she pulled her arm away, Fang finally letting her go. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Serah kept her voice light as she tried to gouge Fang with her glare. “But I think it’d be best for you to mind your business.” 

“Far as I reckon, my girlfriend is my business.” Serah tensed, and she saw the way Fang’s lips quirked up at her reaction. “So why don’t you mind your own. Have fun at the party, Serah.” Then she turned, and was gone. 

Serah stood frozen in the hallway, staring at the empty place where Fang had stood. _Girlfriend_? Were they really like that? She had thought- well, she didn’t know what she’d thought, but it wasn’t that. Was Vanille cheating on Fang too? No, that couldn’t make sense, because Fang would’ve stopped it. But _girlfriend_?

Serah tried to ignore the jealousy building up in her gut. 

“Yo, Serah!” Snow slapped a heavy hand down on her shoulder, scaring the shit out of her. He just laughed at the way she jumped. “Lost in thought? I figured you’d be outside by now, so it took me a minute to find you again, sorry!” 

He kept talking, going on about Sazh’s house and the pile of presents and whatever else popped into his head, not stopping for a second to urge her to speak. At least it gave her a minute to catch her breath, and by the time her husband had led them out the back door to the party proper, she was steady enough again to break away from his touch. 

“Let’s get some food, okay Snow?” She interrupted him, pointing over towards a picnic table covered in snacks. He beamed at her, as if she looked beautiful even while cutting him off. It sent a shiver down her spine. 

“Sure babe! I call dibs on the ribs, though. I could probably eat the whole cow right now!” Serah forced a laugh and nodded at him. She knew that was the sort of goofy joke she’d gone all starry eyed for before, but now it just felt… She didn’t know. It felt like nothing. 

She halfheartedly kept up her side of the conversation as they got food, dodging kids running around them. Dajh must have made a lot of friends because the backyard was packed. Apparently, they were all old enough that their parents didn’t have to come with them to parties, so the only adults milling around were the old L’cie. 

When Snow pointed out Lightning, sitting on the other side of the yard under a tree, Serah smiled and pretended she hadn’t been staring at anywhere but that spot. 

“We should go say hey!” Snow suggested, shoving another bite of cake into his mouth. 

“Mmm.” Serah fussed with her napkin, before finally looking over at her sister. Her total non-answer seemed to finally be enough to get Snow to stop eating. He gave her this confused puppy-dog look, tilting his head to the side. A small part of her relished in refusing to meet his gaze, watching his expression turn from puzzled to concerned. 

“Hey, are you feeling alright babe?” He dipped his head, trying to catch her eyes, but Serah looked to the side to avoid him. She wasn’t upset, not really, but he was finally _looking at her_. It was enough that she had to fight down a smile.

“No, I’m fine. It’s nothing really...” She trailed off. It was weird, how quickly her anxiety had turned to a sort of excitement. Maybe now, he was the one getting himself into an anxious spiral worrying about what _she_ was thinking. It felt good. It felt-

“Well!” He grabbed her hand and jumped up from the table, startling Serah as he pulled her with him. “Nothing for a bad mood than some quality time with sis, right?” Serah stared at him, mouth open, too stunned to speak as he started to pull her across the lawn. He was so _stupid_! Anger flared in her gut and she squeezed his hand too hard. Of course, before she could even say anything, they were standing in front of Lightning. 

It was the first time Serah had let herself properly look at her sister since… Goddess, had they spoken more than two words to each other at the wedding? She was such a mess when Light walked her down the aisle, she hadn’t been thinking about anything but Snow. 

The last time they’d talked, _really_ talked, Lightning had been sobbing. She was pathetic, so overwhelmed with guilt for letting Serah die that she’d been avoiding her for months. When Serah had finally cornered her and demanded an explanation for the distance, desperate for a fight (desperate for the feeling of ripping each other to shreds, harsh and personal and familiar) Lightning had just clung to her and cried. She’d apologized, over and over and over. 

Serah had wanted to vomit. 

“Hey sis!” Snow said, his hand tight enough on Serah’s arm that she couldn’t run for it. Maybe he knew her better than she gave him credit for. “What’s up with you? Feel like we haven’t seen you around much lately.” 

“Don’t call me that.” Lightning’s voice was tired, but had a hint of humor to it. If she felt as tense as Serah did, she was hiding it well. Of course, Lightning couldn’t hide anything well anymore, so Serah was probably alone.

“Heheh,” Snow laughed, rubbing the back of his head. “Never change, Light. Oh!” With an over-dramatic turn, he pointed towards Hope, who’d been sitting still, chatting with Sazh for the last fifteen minutes. “There’s that little bugger, I’ve been looking everywhere for him!” He flashed a grin and a wink at Serah, then turned, calling back over his shoulder, “Gotta go say hi. You two catch up!” 

He took off across the yard, leaving Lightning and Serah to look anywhere but at each other. 

“How has it been, being married?” Lightning asked through her teeth. It was almost insulting that she was trying to act natural when Serah knew every single one of her tics. Judging from the way Light’s eyes flicked to Serah's hands as she dug her nails into her palms at the question, her sister hadn’t forgotten hers either.

“Oh, you know!” she responded vaguely. “How’s…” She didn’t even know what Lightning had been doing. Guilt curled in her chest. She was an awful sister. 

“Fine. It’s been fine.” Lightning saved her, but that was as far as the conversation went. The sun shone through the leaves of the tree above them, casting flickering patterns on the ground by Lightning’s feet. They danced and swayed with the wind. Up Lightning’s leg, to the base of her shirt, to her arms, red and raw. Serah’s heart clenched, and before she could think better of it, she was moving forward, falling to her knees in front of her sister. 

“Stop that!” It was almost instinctual, the way she grabbed Lightning’s wrist, pulling her hand away from her arm, where her scratching had left little tracks of blood. Lightning’s hand trembled in her grip, and looking up at her sister, it suddenly became very hard for Serah to breathe. 

“Serah, I-” Lightning’s voice shook. Her eyes were watery as she stared at Serah, like she was about to burst into tears again just from the touch and _Serah couldn’t_. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t strong enough to handle Lightning’s vulnerability, not right now. 

Serah flinched back from Lightning, dropping her hand like she’d been burned. Lightning’s brows drew together, and she opened her mouth, dragging a lump into Serah’s throat. In an instant, she was on her feet, backing away from Lightning and shaking her head. Her vision got foggy and she felt the tears coming, as inevitable as a creeping storm. So she ran. 

She wasn’t even strong enough to keep herself under control as she ran for the back door, probably causing a scene. She didn’t know who was watching, who saw her and _knew_. In the moment, she couldn’t care. The world blurred around her as she stumbled into the house and through unfamiliar hallways, searching for somewhere to hide. 

She found Vanille in the kitchen, staring out the window and nursing a glass of wine. 

“Vanille,” Serah choked out, drawing the other girl’s eyes to her. Vanille’s face went slack, then tightened as she saw the state Serah was in. She didn’t know what that expression meant, but it sent a fresh wave of shame crashing over her anyway. 

“Serah, what happened?” Vanille’s voice was gentle, like she was talking to a child, and Serah burned with it. 

“Nothing! It doesn’t matter! Is-” She scrambled, trying to find something to feed the spark of anger in her gut. “Is Fang your girlfriend?” 

“I-” Vanille blinked at her. “What?” Serah stood still, fists clenched by her sides, desperately trying to be furious about this so she didn’t have to feel anything else. It wasn’t working particularly well. 

“She called you her girlfriend! I thought- I thought-” She didn’t even know what she’d thought. It had been easier to think of Fang as unimportant. Just a side character. Vanille’s friend, or a frequent hookup, or whatever. She could ignore a thousand years of devotion to each other, but apparently ‘girlfriend’ was too much to dismiss. She felt herself blush with the realization, and wished the petty jealousy really was all fake. 

“That’s weird.” Vanille was frowning, completely thrown off whatever condescending, comforting script she’d been about to rattle off just to get Serah to shut up. At least that felt gratifying. “We- well, I mean, we’re not _not_ dating, exactly, but we’ve never called each other girlfriends before. Me and her are partners, but-” She cut herself off, frowning at Serah. 

“Alright, that’s enough of that!” Vanille decided. She set her wine glass down and walked over to Serah, putting a gentle hand on her shoulder. “No way you’re giving me all this possessive nonsense for real. So, what really happened?” 

“Fuck,” Serah laughed, stupidly giddy at the touch. “I think I really hate you, you know? I hate how you can take one fucking look and know me better than my husband.” Serah looked up at Vanille and cupped her cheek, pulling the other woman closer. 

“Serah,” Vanille warned, letting herself be led forward. 

“But if you really know me, then you probably know I don’t want to talk about that right now, right?” She brushed a thumb across Vanille’s cheek, down to the edge of her lips. “So just _shut up_.”

Serah didn’t even get the chance to lean forward before Vanille kissed her. It took her by surprise, sending a little rush of heat through her. She made a soft noise against the other girl’s lips, then she was kissing back, pushing her tongue forward and both of them towards something worse. 

Through the window (covered by a light curtain, she’d checked as soon as she entered the room) Serah could hear the sounds of conversation, mixed with kids yelling and playing. Any one of them could walk in here, and it would be over, everyone would know. The thought spurred her hands forward, grabbing at Vanille and pulling her closer, yanking at her clothes. 

But Vanille was touching her too. Serah felt a hand on her shoulder, shoving her away, and she snarled at it. 

“Serah, we sh-” No, no! Serah grabbed Vanille by the hair, pulling her into another kiss to cut off her objection. She _needed_ this right now, couldn’t Vanille see that? It was selfish to refuse her! If she could just get all the stupid emotions out, then she’d be okay, and she could go back to the party and everything would be fine! Vanille couldn’t deny her that.

Vanille wasn’t trying to pull away anymore. She had a hand against Serah’s neck, fingers trailing and scraping along her jugular, sending little sparks between her legs. Serah hissed a swear and tightened her grip in Vanille’s shirt, dragging her forward as she stumbled away, till her back hit a wall. 

“This is so stupid-” Vanille broke away for long enough to whisper, before kissing her again. “We shouldn’t-” Then it was Serah that dragged their lips back together, her mouth open and needy as Vanille slid her tongue against her teeth. 

“Why are you doing it then?” The question was only half audible, murmured against Vanille’s lips. Serah didn’t get an answer before they were kissing again.

She felt a leg nudge between her thighs and gasped, tightening her grip on Vanille. They fit together so easily, nearly the same size, and it felt natural for Serah to follow suit, shivering at the feeling of Vanille’s underwear against her leg. They moved against each other, making out like horny teenagers in a friend’s kitchen. It was a rush, and when she heard the back door open and Vanille flinched back from the kiss, Serah couldn’t stop herself from giggling. 

“Vanille,” she laughed. Her head was pounding with adrenaline, and the fear in Vanille’s expression made her look silly. “You’ve got my lipstick on your face, c’mere…” Serah licked her thumb and reached out to smear it off, but Vanille grabbed her wrist, glowering at her with more anger than Serah had ever seen from her. 

“Stop it! That’s-” 

“Auntie Vanille!” Dajh beamed up at them from the doorway, young and oblivious to what he was seeing. Serah went rigid, ice piercing her stomach as she stared down at the boy who had come to give her exactly the danger she’d been flirting with. He didn’t know. He couldn’t. But if he repeated this, seeing the two of them nearly pressed against each other, faces messy with each other’s makeup, someone else would know. 

Serah realized she was breathing heavily, suddenly aware of air rasping through her throat. She caught Vanille giving her a side glance before the other girl bent down and started to talk to Dajh. Serah couldn’t focus on what she was saying, mind fogged with a growing panic. 

It had been fun, toying with the idea of consequences, putting her hands too close to the fire. She’d relished the idea of being burned, getting off on the thought of someone finding them. But now, when she was staring the reality down, it terrified her. Maybe a part of her had started to hate Snow. She’d wanted him to see who she really was and hate her back. She’d wanted him to finally show her something _real_ beyond just constant cloying affection and forgiveness, but- But what if he just left? He wouldn’t be angry, he’d hate her and give up and leave. How could she have thought this was some stupid game?

“Serah.” Vanille’s hand on her arm brought Serah out of her thoughts. The other woman was staring at her, expression unreadable. “It’s alright, he won’t tell anyone, okay? I made sure of it.” 

“How?” Serah demanded. “He’s just a kid! He’ll- he’ll think it’s a game and tell someone and-” Vanille shook her head and, with a soft sigh, wrapped her arms around Serah, pulling her into a hug. Serah clung back. 

“Shush, I’ll take care of everything,” Vanille murmured into her ear. “I’ll keep you safe, okay?” Serah nodded, and clutched tighter to her, wondering when she’d lost all her bravery. Here she’d thought she’d finally grown out of hiding behind someone else, letting them give up everything to protect her. Stupid. 

Vanille stroked her hair until Serah’s breath evened out. When they finally broke apart, neither of them could look at each other. 

“I’m- I’m going to go back to Snow now,” Serah said, flicking her eyes to the Vanille for just a moment. Long enough to catch the bitter smile flash across her face. 

“Of course you are!” Vanille giggled. Serah flinched at her tone. Maybe it was fucked up how she was starting to recognize exactly how Vanille sounded when she was angry. “I’m gonna go play with Dajh a little more. Keep him all happy and distracted. You have a good time with your husband, Serah.” 

Vanille’s smile didn’t waver as she left. Serah stayed still until she heard the back door open, then swing shut. Finally, she deflated. Sweeping her bangs away from her face, she grabbed Vanille’s abandoned glass of wine, taking a long sip before heading to the bathroom to clean herself up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lightning's first appearance... I have some fun stuff planned for her, she'll be back.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my Twitter [@alpacrate](https://twitter.com/alpacrate?s=09) for updates on progress for this fic and my general bad takes


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